Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
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Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music