Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
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*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
is this how new cars are made??
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
When news reporters do sports stories
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send