Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
You Might Also Like
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!