You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
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Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
How to properly lift a body
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
When your man makes a valid point
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.