I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
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Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff