After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
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I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
Sending in my taxes
O Wise One….