Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
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The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
I need this for my side hustle.
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
that wasn’t the question
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime