My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
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My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..