How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
You Might Also Like
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.