Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
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Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
what is cheese if not milk persevering
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
operators are standing by to ignore your call
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.