My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
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I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
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I love these 90-minute department meetings. It鈥檚 like a thrilling live performance of an email
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
Twitter is the new flypaper.
when it鈥檚 summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
me: it鈥檚 okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it鈥檚 hypothetical
5: what鈥檚 hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there鈥檚 gotta be a book around here somewhere…
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
Oh, I鈥檒l take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 馃檨
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
Woman: I love a man with an accent
M谩n: Well hello there
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop