At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
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wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
Running from your problems is cardio .
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face