My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
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Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
🤣🤣🤣
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
I have a black belt in leather
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
My life coach traded me.
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me