tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
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scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
Meeeee too!
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.