omg leave her alone
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ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
Truth
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!