[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
You Might Also Like
Happy Halloween 🎃
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.