Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
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Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.