I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
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they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
What a website
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week