If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
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My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
Do not go gentle into that good night,
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break