If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
You Might Also Like
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
No, YOUR illiterate.
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
vegan witches, happy halloween!
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.