Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
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Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.