So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
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I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
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Expectations vs. Reality
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
You’re the water to my grease fire.
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
#Caturday