“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
You Might Also Like
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
my mom making me talk to relatives
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.