the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
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Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second