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I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her