That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
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Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh