My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
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Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
Life with a cat in one tweet
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”