I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
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I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated