The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
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wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”