[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
You Might Also Like
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
Imma just leave this here…………
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.