Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
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three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
Hero horse inspires millions
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.