Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
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Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill