The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
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if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that