My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
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shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
eating my hot dog hamburger style
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
My teenage children choosing violence
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.