[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
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I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.