so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
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BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know