What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
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Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
*updates tinder bio*
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy