I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
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Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
this is the best day of my life
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.