“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
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*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
yall want some gasoline milk