flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
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Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
This sounds bad:
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean