My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
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I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.