[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
You Might Also Like
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
Thursday Thought.
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower