I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
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I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.