If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
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Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
Was it something I said?
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.