“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
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When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does