Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
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Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.