My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
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Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
thanksgiving should be called feaster
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
black phone good
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house