I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
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Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
🤭😂
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.