My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
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What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
Smallpox sounds so adorable
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.