Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
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4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
#SuperBowl
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.